I remember going to the Ocean Beach farmer’s market with my sister Ali, on a mission for a beanie to cover up the 22 staples in my head. I had finally graduated from that awful medical turban. We walked slowly down streets we used to zoom around on our cruiser bikes. I remember the few things we had bought were in our grocery bag, which I was determined to carry with my left hand, where there was still weakness from a cancerous brain tumor I had removed just a few weeks earlier. When we got back to the car, we smiled at each other. I had carried that grocery bag with my left hand for an hour. My speech may have still been slow, I didn’t even have my staples out yet, and we had no idea what was going to happen in regards to chemotherapy. There was infinite worry but in that moment there was progress.
As I’m sitting here writing, I’ve realized something. In these moments of reflection, I think God is asking us to realize how much we have grown, or will grow. This is just the beginning of his beautiful plan for each of us. I think He wants us to know that in the darkest moments we are still making progress and kicking even the smallest bit of ass, although we may not think so.
I’ve been struggling lately with flashbacks from my surgery. Feeling the plates in my head and getting dizzy, having nightmares from being awake while surgeons were shaving the cancer out of my brain. Those are the rough days. A piece of me will always have that scar. But then I think about how I lived through that. There was a reason God said hey, this may be rough but you’re not quite done on this Earth yet. How irritated do you think He would be if I wasn’t living the heck out of every healthy day?
Tomorrow I am going snowmobiling in Yellowstone with my incredible fiance. Can you imagine that? Almost three years ago I could barely hold a grocery bag with my left hand and now I get to spend my Saturday exploring what I think is one of His most beautiful creations with the person I love most. In my opinion, good days like that easy makeup for the bad ones. Life may be messy and untidy, but I’m slowly realizing that all we can do is our best with the day we have. Because whether you’re 8 or 88, we are all a work in progress. No matter how hard we try we will never have life figured out, but that’s what keeps it interesting. The tricky part can be remembering to stop and look around you along the way, no matter how rough things may be, and to spot the tiniest inkling of good. I am starting tomorrow. And what a place to start!